


Humans!

by kronette



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Humor, M/M, Rating: PG13, Season/Series 08
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-17
Updated: 2012-10-17
Packaged: 2017-11-16 11:52:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/539134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kronette/pseuds/kronette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kryten hated being apart from Mr. Lister, Mr. Rimmer and Cat. It was cruel to put him in with the women, just because he didn’t have an outie bit like other males.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Humans!

**Author's Note:**

> Set during Series VIII

Kryten hated being apart from Mr. Lister, Mr. Rimmer and Cat. It was cruel to put him in with the women, just because he didn’t have an outie bit like other males. When the old Dwarf crew got together at lunch, he lamented his fate in life, being stuck with the women and their jiggly outie bits, and wondered at the glazed look on the men’s faces.

The Cat, in particular, would occasionally need a napkin to wipe the line of drool from the corner of his mouth.

Honestly, if all humanoid males acted like that around women, the species really would die out. No sane woman would want to be around a drooling, glazed-eyed man who only wanted to fondle her jiggly bits. When the Cat chased women, he’d often come back with a bruised cheek or eye, providing Kryten proof of his theory.

Ms. Kochanski had the grace and poise to be above that nonsense. When she began ‘dating’ a guard, it was a well-educated man who shared some of her interests. The man brought her chocolates and lacy undergarments which she seemed to like.

Kryten had to frequently stay in the cleaning closet overnight while the man ‘stayed over’. It was off-putting to say the least. When he reported Ms. Kochanski’s nighttime shenanigans at lunch that day, he expected Mr. Lister to commiserate with him, as he’d often done when Ms. Kochanski had expressed interest in anyone other than himself.

To his shock and delight, Mr. Lister hardly seemed to mind. Mr. Lister shook his head as he swirled the white rehydrated potatoes on his plate and commented, “That’s not smegging right, kicking you out of your own room.”

Oh, praise Silicone Heaven, Mr. Lister had finally ‘gotten over’ Ms. Kochanski! Kryten would gladly stay in the cleaning closet if it meant he didn’t have to fear Mr. Lister forgetting all about him for that tart. “Oh, I really don’t mind too much, sir,” he said, attempting to downplay the incident. “I can take my time cleaning the individual strands on the mops.”

Mr. Rimmer lifted a brownish cookie off of Mr. Lister’s plate, snapped it half, and put half of it back. “How else is she supposed to get her rocks off with him in the room?” he asked Mr. Lister as he took a bite.

Mr. Lister snatched the unbitten part of his cookie out of Mr. Rimmer’s hand. “It’s not her fault that she’s not already rooming with the person who gets her rocks off,” Mr. Lister commented with a strangled voice.

Kryten’s worry chip activated. Was Mr. Lister getting a cold? He certainly sounded congested, and his breathing was irregular. As he studied the two men, he noticed some abnormal temperature fluctuations in Mr. Rimmer’s heat signature. Perhaps they were both becoming ill?

“Sirs, are you feeling all right?” he asked, concerned. There was a definite flush on Mr. Rimmer’s cheeks and neck, and Mr. Lister’s eyes were a bit glazed as though he had a fever.

His fears were not alleviated as Mr. Lister waved a cookie at him. “We’re fine, Krytes. It’s been a bit warm in our cell, is all.”

“Did you want me to take a look at the temperature controls, sirs?” Kryten offered, hating to see the humans suffer needlessly. “It’s not my area of expertise, but I could be of assistance.”

“No, thank you, Kryten. Lister’s hands-on approach with the controls has done wonders,” Mr. Rimmer gasped out between a fit of coughing. He was red-faced and seemed to be having trouble breathing.

“Are you sure you’re all right, Mr. Rimmer?” Kryten gushed, ready to leap to assistance at the first sign of true distress. Mr. Rimmer seemed to recover well enough, though his face remained red. “You’re flushed and your temperature has gone up considerably since we began lunch.”

Mr. Lister coughed into his hand, drawing Kryten’s attention back to him. It sounded just like Mr. Rimmer’s choked wheeze. “Really man, we’re okay. Rimmer here, he just needs a bit of a lie down. Don’t you, Rimmer?”

Mr. Lister locked gazes with Mr. Rimmer, and Kryten looked between the two men. Something was definitely not right. Mr. Rimmer was still flushed and both men were breathing irregularly. Their temperatures were notching up.

“Sirs, I really do think…”

“There’s nothing wrong with us, Kryten,” Mr. Lister muttered as he rose to his feet, pulling Mr. Rimmer with him by the shoulder. “Smeg off.”

Mr. Rimmer’s nostrils flared in their usual angry way, but he didn’t appear angry. Not in the slightest bit. He looked…anxious. Anticipatory, even. Kryten would have categorized the look as hungry, but they’d just eaten lunch.

Mr. Rimmer stepped over the bench seat awkwardly, but Mr. Lister’s hand on his shoulder kept him upright. He still swayed, and Kryten worried Mr. Rimmer might be ready to pass out. Then Mr. Rimmer placed his hand on Mr. Lister’s shoulder to steady himself, and the two of them walked off side by side without speaking another word.

Well. If they wanted to have their little ‘secrets’, they were welcome to them. Kryten huffed and picked up their forgotten trays, taking them to the re-cyce bin. Despite his annoyance, he couldn’t help but make a mental note to check on the temperature controls in their cell, just in case Mr. Lister’s ‘hands-on approach’ wasn’t up to snuff.

The End


End file.
